In my feedback session with my teacher, he firstly suggested ways in which I could fix the punctuation errors that I made in the first draft.
I was told that the average page of a script was around a minute in a short film, and as mine was only two pages long, I needed to extend it.
In order to do this, my teacher suggested that I cut out the dining room scene in which she eats dinner, so that she becomes hungry and it makes sense that she would accept the caretaker's sandwich at the end of the film.
To build tension and extend the film, I have added in extra scenes in places around the school that perhaps pose danger to a young girl on her own, such as design technology and food technology. My teacher also suggested that I introduce the caretaker, yet hide his identity until the end, where the conventional caretaker stereotype is subverted.
The following is my improved draft of my script:
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